Troubles...

Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears away from us all but things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are.
Arthur Golden
Lately I've prided myself on being able to stay positive, even in the worst situations. For the past couple of months, I've told myself over and over again that everything would be okay, there's always a calm after the storm and soon our storm would come to an end. If only positive thinking could get us through the financial strains we've been having. It's come to the point of me having to do the one thing I told myself I'd never do. Ask for help. I'm generally okay with asking for help, but not from my grandfather. I try to use any other means because I don't want to be reliant on what he has to give. I also do this for his benefit, although he doesn't know it, and probably never will. I feel like everyone just wants him for the things he has. That's not how I want him to feel, so to go to him made me feel no better than anyone else. I've always wanted my Grandpa to know that I don't care about him because of his money, or what he can do for me, I love him because he's my Grandfather and that's how families work. I don't want him to ever feel like that's all I'm after, because money or not, he will always be my Grandpa.
I feel like my family doesn't understand me. I know everyone says that as a way of denial, but I actually believe it. I treat my Grandfather differently than everyone else, that makes me rude in his eyes. Childish even, when to me it means that I'm not afraid of having the rug pulled out from under me because I don't care about it. Saying I've stooped to the lowest point possible when it comes to our financial troubles somehow made me seem rude and ungrateful. When to me it meant that I never wanted to have to ask that of my Grandpa, I'm too proud, and I don't want to make him feel obligated.
If you want that good feeling that comes from doing things for other folks, then you have to pay for it in abuse and misunderstanding.
Zora Neale Hurston
Is it so childish of me to want him to have something different from someone? I never thought it was. Even so, I'll deal with it, like I deal with everything... in silent remorse. Someday, someone will understand, until then, I'll keep trying. I'll keep putting on the fake smile, and the fake attitude, and maybe one day I'll hear a thank you. That's all I need. Just a thank you. If I walk through the rest of this life without it, that's okay too, because at least I know my intentions. Everyone else can frown on me, even talk behind my back if they want, but they just misunderstand me, and that's okay.
To be great is to be misunderstood.
Ralph Waldo Emerson