Troubles...

Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears away from us all but things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are.
Arthur Golden
Lately I've prided myself on being able to stay positive, even in the worst situations. For the past couple of months, I've told myself over and over again that everything would be okay, there's always a calm after the storm and soon our storm would come to an end. If only positive thinking could get us through the financial strains we've been having. It's come to the point of me having to do the one thing I told myself I'd never do. Ask for help. I'm generally okay with asking for help, but not from my grandfather. I try to use any other means because I don't want to be reliant on what he has to give. I also do this for his benefit, although he doesn't know it, and probably never will. I feel like everyone just wants him for the things he has. That's not how I want him to feel, so to go to him made me feel no better than anyone else. I've always wanted my Grandpa to know that I don't care about him because of his money, or what he can do for me, I love him because he's my Grandfather and that's how families work. I don't want him to ever feel like that's all I'm after, because money or not, he will always be my Grandpa.
I feel like my family doesn't understand me. I know everyone says that as a way of denial, but I actually believe it. I treat my Grandfather differently than everyone else, that makes me rude in his eyes. Childish even, when to me it means that I'm not afraid of having the rug pulled out from under me because I don't care about it. Saying I've stooped to the lowest point possible when it comes to our financial troubles somehow made me seem rude and ungrateful. When to me it meant that I never wanted to have to ask that of my Grandpa, I'm too proud, and I don't want to make him feel obligated.
If you want that good feeling that comes from doing things for other folks, then you have to pay for it in abuse and misunderstanding.
Zora Neale Hurston
Is it so childish of me to want him to have something different from someone? I never thought it was. Even so, I'll deal with it, like I deal with everything... in silent remorse. Someday, someone will understand, until then, I'll keep trying. I'll keep putting on the fake smile, and the fake attitude, and maybe one day I'll hear a thank you. That's all I need. Just a thank you. If I walk through the rest of this life without it, that's okay too, because at least I know my intentions. Everyone else can frown on me, even talk behind my back if they want, but they just misunderstand me, and that's okay.
To be great is to be misunderstood.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Happy Valentine's Day!!

There are four questions of value in this life... What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same. Only love.
Don Juan DeMarco
I've decided to make this post all about Jon. My family doesn't really know him, and I'm sure they're a little concerned about who exactly I've run off and gotten engaged to. Jon is quite possibly the most amazing man I've ever met. He's always gentle and kind, and he never fails to keep my smiling, and keep me laughing. He has dreams, and he dreams big, yet he's always supportive of my dreams as well. He does something to surprise me everyday, even if he doesn't know he's doing it. We may not make a lot of money seeing as I'm out of a job right now, but he works hard everyday to provide for me. He works two jobs but never lets me see him without a smile on his face.
 Today was our first Valentine's day together. He's been hiding my present for days and it's been driving me crazy. Everyone who knows me knows how well I handle surprises. Normally I can talk him out of whatever surprise he has for me. He'll try for a little bit to hide it, and then I get the best of him. This time I couldn't do it. It was driving me crazy. He got home from work and gave me my gifts a bit early. (Not really early... it was technically Valentine's day. Midnight counts... right?) I opened the door and to my surprise he was holding a dozen red roses in a vase. I giant kitty stuffed animal, a card, and some candy(which I gave back to him and told him to eat it because i'm dieting.). He bought the movie Across the Universe for us to watch together, and after the movie he gave me a beautiful ring from his grandmother. I haven't been this happy in ages and I think that's what matters. He makes me happy. I've never really been happy. All who know me, know this. This is the one man that can make me smile without even trying. I think of him as an angel. He saved me from myself when no one else could. It reminds me of a really good quote I found today.
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
Lao Tzu
He is definitely my strength. I love him more than anything, and I don't give my love easily. Needless to say he's a keeper. I don't know when we're getting married but I will let everyone know. I hope everyone is as happy today as I am.

"When I tell you I love you, I don't say it out of habit, or to make conversation... I say it to remind you that you're the best thing that's ever happened to me."

I decided to follow the crowd...

I decided to follow the crowd and start blogging. I don't think I could have chosen any better of a day than this one. It's been five years since my Uncle Jeffey passed away, but it feels like it was only yesterday. I remember where I was, I remember the sight, and I remember the feeling. Those don't just disappear. My Mom always says that once you've seen it, you will never forget it. It's always going to be in your mind. She generally isn't talking about something like that, but the same principal goes. The sight of my family in mourning will never leave my mind. Just like the feeling of my Daddy holding me that day won't ever go away. He doesn't know this but I'm sure he'll find out... That feeling is the feeling I hold onto whenever it really feels like life is getting me down. When it feels like nothing is going my way and I'm up against a brick wall... That's the feeling that keeps me going. The one thing I try desperately to remember everyday is that this life isn't meaningless. I know my parents and my family think I don't care at all for religion, but I do. I just think about it in a different light than they do. Nothing has ever given me more comfort than knowing that my cherished ones that have passed away are not gone forever. It's like the quote i posted on my facebook earlier today.
Life is eternal, and love is immortal,
and death is only a horizon;
and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight.
-Rossiter Worthington Raymond
They will always live on. It may not be in the flesh, we may not be able to see them, but they're always going to be here. Who says that they don't live on through our hearts?
To live in hearts we leave behind,
Is not to die.
-Thomas Campbell
I will always remember. We will always remember. So to me, no one is truly dead. They're just waiting to be remembered, and then they'll live again. If only in our hearts.